“J” is for Judging

I’m going to let God be the judge of who goes to heaven and hell. — Joel Osteen

If someone cuts dear hubby off in traffic he assumes it is because the individual believed they needed to, or entitled to, be in front of him on the road.  He will rage on throwing out  words of anger. (Thank heavens he doesn’t feel the need to retaliate, whew!)

a-to-z-letters-jI, on the other hand, think folks are just too busy with their own lives to see everything around them. I will toss out a reason why they couldn’t see me and, usually, will even say a quick prayer asking for their safety.

This is one area where my husband and I, after a few years of marriage (we’re talking about not judging so let’s not discuss my age), still stumble with conflict in our marriage. He tells me his woes of his day at work and finds me excusing (or wondering away) the actions of others.  The discussion usually ends with him saying, “You never take my side.”

What I don’t understand is why we have to take sides.  I am not trying to side with others against my husband.  I adore my husband.  Without turning this into a VDA (virtual display of affection), I will simply add: he is the most wonderful (selfless) husband and father I have ever met. However, he  doesn’t “get” me in this area.

In general, I believe people are good at heart and nobody is out to just hurt someone else. I rationalize why someone did or said something that may offend another.

What do you think?  Are most offenses intentional or accidental?  Do you think I am letting my husband down by not grabbing a hangman’s noose and letting the person swing?  To be on his side, do I need to jump his bandwagon when he has a bad day? If not, how do I get him to realize I am on his side?

~~Emmly Jane

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About EmmlyJane

I believe in true love and happily ever afters. eReader. Favorite genre: historical romance.
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11 Responses to “J” is for Judging

  1. Arlee Bird says:

    Like you say, I think a lot of people are just boppin’ along not thinking about the other person. They mean to hurt anyone, but they’re just wrapped up in what they’re doing or thinking.

    A Few Words
    An A to Z Co-host blog

  2. christine says:

    I agree with Josie. Sometimes people are just annoyed and need to say it. They aren’t looking for reasons or explanations. Unless you feel he really needs to hear the other perspective in a situation, I’d just acknowledge his annoyance. Not agreeing with him, but not making him see the other side, either.
    I’m glad to see that not everyone gets annoyed with me when I accidentally cut them off in traffic. We all get distracted or simply don’t see the other car every once in a while. We aren’t perfect, so I can’t understand expecting everyone else to be, either.

  3. Jean Heff says:

    My mom raised me to think with the frame of mind you describe having. I think that part of it is how you see the world- as a mostly cooperative group of people or as an us versus them situation. I experience the same sort of issue in my marriage and while I still throw in my version of the story, I make sure my husband knows, catering to his world view, that in the us vs. them competition I’m on his side. 🙂 Unless it’s something major, I don’t mind doing a little coddling.

  4. Sue Elvis says:

    Hi Emmly Jane,

    I’ve been enjoying your posts. Lots of interesting things to think about! Thank you for visiting my blog and stopping to leave such a beautiful comment. It is appreciated!

    I tend to make more excuses for other people than my husband, but I don’t like to think we’;ll get into an argument over it. I just try to reflect back how my husband is feeling… frustrated, annoyed.. and then let it go. Great post!

  5. I think we see things different than someone who is experiencing it so to you husband it might seem different than it does to you. I would say if it’s something minor and won’t hurt anyone just side with him every few times just so he feels your support.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog earlier.

  6. ladysknight says:

    I agree that (most) people do not go out of their way to offend or hurt people but…
    being recklessly inconsiderate and selfish is offensive and people have been seriously hurt or killed. What can we do? Be patient and try not to let the offensive ones ruin our day… lives…

  7. Kelly Mogk says:

    You and your husband seem to be a mirror for me and mine! I tend to look at things from every possible perspective, and he doesn’t always get that. But I’m with you; judge not! 🙂

  8. Hi, Emmly,
    I believe half the time people aren’t even aware that some of the things they do are offensive to others. Hard to get overly annoyed when people don’t even know they’ve offended you.

  9. gemma says:

    I agree with you. Most people are busy with their lives. They are not on the road to read minds.
    So if they manuever a certain way it is not to cause problems. I say go with the flow. 😉

  10. I think you have it right. I don’t make excuses for people’s actions, but I don’t judge them for them, either. My typical context is, I haven’t a clue what’s going on in their mind and life. I bless them and let it go.

  11. I tend to agree with you in that I believe most people don’t set out to be intentionally mean or do something that is hurtful, they (we) just get so wrapped up in themselves and whatever is occurring in their lives that day, that they forget to be observant of the others around them and that their actions and remarks can be perceived as negative and harmful. There are a few out there who are of darker intent, but even those I often excuse because I know they have much bigger issues than the minor offense I just feel they committed that affects me. However, I do know how your husband feels too, even when I grumble just a little bit about someone or my day, I have a friend who is always quick to point out things from their perspective, and while I know she’s right, it can get on my nerves. We all need a safe place to vent and sometimes it’s nice to hear “I understand how that feels” which doesn’t mean you necessarily agree, just that you can empathize with the frustration. It’s worth a try and maybe your husband won’t feel so much like you are siding against him. Adding “I know how tired you must be” or some such validates that you care about their issues.


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